Hey Butter, it’s Stella.

What up dude? Things are good here, for the most part. Remember that one time I was making that crazy cake, and you were like, “Ahh, I’m not sure I’m into this” and I was like “No, Butter, do it!” and like you went in double or nothing and came out amazing? Oh, man, those were good times. The other day, I made some killer Swiss meringue, you shouldda been there!

So man, you know I love you, right? You know I’m always lookin’ out for you. Butter, I love you. We have a long history together. I adore you, you know I do. I never skimp when a recipe asks for you, I never hold out on you. You know that. I never cut corners, never leave you out. I’ve never been on a diet. I promote you whenever, wherever. So you know I’ve got nothing against you. You know that.

But, with that in mind, please know what I’m about to say isn’t really about you. It’s about…Biscotti.

Yeah. I’ve heard about you two and that thing you have goin’ on.

I’ve heard how you’re taking that sweet, traditional little Italian thing and trying to get with her. Trying to intermingle. Trying to wow her with your rich, decadent style. And listen, I get that. Biscotti is super cool, and I don’t blame you for wanting to try and start something there.

So, we’re cool, you and I, Butter. But, and I’m saying this as a friend, you’re hurting Biscotti. I know you’re two responsible individuals, and what you do together in a mixing bowl is none of my business. But, as your friend, I can’t just stand by, when I think this is so bad for the both of you.

You’re shortening her shelf life. You’re making her crumb too fine; she just disintegrates in coffee when you’re around. It’s kinda pathetic. And that sad buttery trail you leave behind? That’s not like you.

Biscotti has so much flour and sugar anyway, she barely notices you. And with all that time she spends in the oven? It’s just a waste of your talents. I mean it.

So, I just think you need to consider taking a break from Biscotti. For good.

Why don’t you find a nice Chocolate Chip? You and chocolate cookies always get along so well, it’s just a better match. And anyway, every cookie from Shortbread to Icebox is dying to get a call from you.

And, if you’ve really got a thing for Italian cookies, I mean, the Italian butter cookie would be a perfect match, hon.

Just leave Biscotti alone, please? I think it’s over. Don’t call her. She doesn’t want to hear from you right now. She’s already seeing someone else.

Coffee. Some guy from Peru.

See for yourself. It’s a little graphic, Butter, but you need to see it. Biscotti is all over Coffee.

I found these recipes for Biscotti. Butter, you’re no where to be found. She doesn’t need you. See for yourself. Almond Anise and Chocolate biscotti. Even Gluten Free Biscotti doesn’t call for you, Butter. Look at these recipes for Gluten Free Almond Anise and Gluten Free Chocolate biscotti. You’re not there.

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